the sendoff!

I couldn't sleep the night before we left.

Scattered thoughts swam through my head like lost little fishies. Slippery little suckers kept swimming away before I could grab hold of any one and complete it...or make sense of it...

Things I had forgotten.

Things I needed to pack.

People I needed to write, call, or whatever....

The All-Star Literary Death Match had been a huge success...I had had a delicious margarita (or two) for dinner. Usually the tequila afterglow was so pleasant and clarifying...What was wrong with me?

At 7 Betsy is awake and we pop out of bed. "I'm a little stressed," I admit.

"Ok," she says.

"I think I just need to pack a little."

"Ok." Ok. Yes. It's that easy. And I'm throwing every tank top I own into the backpack that Dan lent me and I miss him. I miss him like whoa.

A run would be good, we agree. It is gray and chilly in Golden Gate park. Colder than I thought. My legs are a little numb and heavy with leftover tequila.

"I'm so glad we both have foreign boyfriends!" I say. Betsy is in love with a Chilean, Michel.

"Me too!" Betsy agrees.

"Hmmm. I've never called Dan my boyfriend before just now."

"He totally is."

"I guess so." My legs begin to warm up. "I love him."

"I know you do, Sky. It's great." It is great. It's so fucking great that sometimes I still don't believe it sometimes.

The day does not stop. We make our way from the park to the Mission to Cole Valley for my favorite egg, spinach, cheese, mushroom, bagel sandwich. I have eaten this sandwich with many of my favorite people -- and now with Betsy. God I love this sandwich. We go to Target in the East Bay. Walk with my Aunt and Uncle in Marin. Somehow manage to throw together a dinner party for 15 people.

One by one friends arrive. Colleen helps me repack a little more practically (though now that I'm here with three shirts, I think I could use at least one more). I give Colleen the sweatshirt I made for her. She won't be here when I get back and I still can't believe as I type these words that she is leaving San Francisco. I met her only for a moment in Guatemala. We went on a run, it seems not so long ago now...but I guess about a year and half ago... discussing our dreams, grad school. Standing on the brink of a great and wonderful friendship.... We wondered if it would ever happen. If we would ever get our lives together. And here she goes-- to the Ivy League, no less, to be a midwife... I don't know if we will ever have our lives together--goodness-- but, that's not really the point, I suppose--the point is the friendship, the point is finding our way to these small and significant steps-- (the point is also that i will miss her.)

and then the room is full... it smells like roasted garlic-- and here is everyone-- friends from childhood...college...friends I made just a week ago...people I met in faraway lands...

Suddenly I can breathe a little easier. There are moments, hours, and days and weeks when I'm lucky, when I see that there are no slippery fish catch. They are all here with me. Sometimes they are in one room. More oftentimes not. But still... here.

I sneak downstairs to call Dan.

"Hel-looo" he says in his signature Dan way with the long Canadian O.

We talk about the party. I am a little drunk. Phone conversations with Dan give me maybe 1/6 of the feeling I have when I am actually with him. When I am with him I see his face and I can't look away because he's so damn cute. And he looks at me in this way that makes me feel new--like I'm being seen for the first time. Or we close up all the empty space between us and the world melts away and everything I could have dreamed of is here. The phone is not this. But it is as close as I can get.

"I love you Dan." The words are still new and a little strange. But brilliant and true.

"I love you, Sky." It's quiet. God, I want him. Here. Now.

"Well I'll see you," I say.

"I know. Get outta here. Go."

It is. It's time to go.

Jonathan awaits in his Prius. Oh, Jonathan. Whose friendship kept me afloat through a riptide of unhappiness in Guatemala. We jump out of the car and are bouncing as he hugs us both-- "Have fun Bitches!"

And thus the adventure begins...